11.01.10....dark / light

It has been a very long time since my last confessional on here...so long, in fact, that I don't ever feel like trying to sum up the last few months.
I will say, however, that my world and future is taking bizarre turns with even more bizarre results.
I came back from tour about a month and a half ago. Since that time, a steady diet of work, reading and quality days with my better half, have consumed me.
I have brainstormed on how to finish the last few days of the next installement of Barren Praise....an LP that will come out on Prosthetic later this year. I'll divulge the title of said behemoth at a later date.

Right now, two things are keeping me going.....two things are doing thier best to help me keep my mania in check. Those two things are love and punk.
Some people can preach the chic message of imbalance, of being a fuck up....they can make it look or sound or seem glamorous.
I want any of you that may actually read this to know one thing: it's all bullshit. Bipolarity, ADD, manic depression, OCD....there isn't one beautiful thing about any of it.
Fucked up people may be able to make great art, but they can also dig thier own graves faster than a young bride to be can sprint into Filene's Basement for a wedding dress.

At thirty two, it's finally come crashing down for me, and I've given myself permenant reality slaps.

Basically, with this entry, I'm outing myself. Next week I will be going to a doctor and will be put on medication for the first time in fifteen years. I've lived my entire adult life as a bipolar wrecking ball, telling myself I didn't need the pills, didn't need the help. Certain situations have caused me to drastically overhaul my opinions and outlook on this, and I'm about to bite the figurative bullet before it's replaced by the literal one.

My goal is to document what happens, with the medication, on here. I'm extremely curious as to how I will take to what I'm given. I fear my art will change. I fear my thought process will be altered negatively. But, more important than any of that, I fear that if I don't finally do something, I will lose my loved ones, or they'll lose me.
I can't, and won't, get into storiesof how fucked up I am / was....not yet, anyways. Sooner or later, my need to lay down words vomits everything out of me, anyways...but not now.

I have a very long break from the road right now, which is both necessary and perfect. It will give me time to adjust, time to show my wife and puppy some love, and time to create and rebuild.
All to the sound that has paved my path for about two decades.
I find myself in need of distortion constantly lately. My walk to work includes headphones and any number of bitter young (and old) men and women, screaming in my ears.
Right now, I'm inspired. I have many plans for this year, and am in the process of creating my "to do list" for the next decade. So far, it includes releasing at least three books of short writings I've done, finally writing a novel, starting a record label, buying a house, giving my wife her dream wedding, and building my dog a dog house / pirate ship.
But, the most important goal is to work my own well being and how I affect those around me.

My art is one thing....I want to create violence and never stray from that. The key is to be able to seperate myself from my various artistic endeavors.

I think I've said too much as it is, so I'll end this now.
Let's get heavy.

As of late, this is what has been destroyingme, to my listening pleasure:

Cancer Kids "Possible Dream" LP
Aerosols LP
Kvelertak - Westcoast Holocaust demo
Fight Amp - Manners and Praise
Sweet Cobra - Bottom Feeder EP
Hatred Surge - Deconstruct LP
Deathreat - Consider it War LP
Threatener - all three 7"s
The_Network - Bishop Kent Manning LP
Alarm - Crossrot EP
Career Suicide - Attempted Suicide
AWK - Close Calls With Brick Walls
plus many more

long live eleven....