passover on pike st.

tonight i took a time travel machine back to the late 60's....it was inside neumo's and it brought me to a point where every band was fronted by a bearded, fuzzed out young man, and the music they made had an impact that couldn't quite be described.

they sang songs about war and the damage it does to everyday lives.

they put their heart and soul into the most beautiful and defiant sounds that these ears could ask for.

if i took acid, tonight would have been a good night for it.

the black angels - probably one of my favorite bands to watch...ever.

what the fuck is "the looking glass"?

i have had a busy week.

lots of old faces that bring out new excitement.

acrylic bliss is very much in effect, and i'm almost ready to discuss what this bliss entails.

try as i might, my stereo just keeps asking for more partners in crime records....who am i to refuse?

i love knowing that everything i appreciate musically can be found in the dollar 7" bins....i love knowing i'll never grow out of my appreciation of all layouts that look photocopied and similar.

the fucking d-beat.....forever.

playlist for the last few days:

new severed head of state 12"

behind enemy lines - one nation under the iron first of god LP

assault - s/t LP

breathing fire - demo 7"

hatred surge / endless blockade split LP

disfear - brutal sight of war 10"

deathreat - discography CD

sage francis - human the death dance

tomorrow ups will be delivering me a new batch of d-beatness, and i'll have a party by myself....party favors will be canvas and paintbrushes.

high point of the day so far:

finally finding whole foods and a shit ton of tofurky products are on sale.

plus, a brand new jar of peanut butter.

and seeing an old friend...it's been five long years....there'll be a lot of catching up to do.

this all reads like a journal entry, and i'm disgusted with myself for it, but my mind is on overload.

and, in one month from right now, i'll have "seance prime" in my hands and in my ears....fucking riot eternal.

distortion on high

the disruptdead box set is oh so amazing.

acrylic bliss is in it's beginning stages, and all will be well as soon as all the images in my head for the last 3 weeks finally reemerge.

i get to see phobia for the first time in five years on sunday. it will smell and sound perfect.

donuts, man.....fucking donuts.

a little gift from the distorted heavens

walking into a record shop and seeing a new severed head of state 12" that i was not aware of: priceless.

also, finally getting to hear the new brutal knights LP, "feast of shame" : uber-priceless.

a mighty-o french toast donut, multiple pots of coffee, and two working feet were the other hi-lites of the day so far.

today was the first warm(er) day since i've been out here. so, i went out in just a short sleeve shirt. THIS is why i don't like warm weather....for the next few hours, every two to three minutes i had to hear or answer the following:
"dude, lemme take a look at those tats!...."
"how much did all that cost you, buddy?...."
"nice ink, pal....where'd you get all that done?...."
etc., etc., etc.

bullshit.

also bullshit? fed ex.
thanks for nothing, bastards.

wild step goose step chase step

my thirst for cinematic viewing satisfaction has been quenched today.

afternoon delight: the edukators

i've probably watched this film a good dozen times or so in the last year and a half....it gets better every time. when jan and jule are on the rooftop discussing the need to never hault revolutionary actions, it's almost kleenex worthy. pretty much everything out of jan's mouth in this film is a quotable.

evening double feature:

criminal

john c. reilly as a grifter. ten thousand double crosses and twists. i eat that shit up. clooney and soderbergh co-produced it, which usually means exactly what happened after i watched this film tonight.....i say, "fuck....when are you two going to screw something up?"

not that it matters, but they earned my respect when i read they offered argento a large sum of money and complete creative control to do a film of his choice.

dot the i

as i said....twists and double crosses are my bread and butter. i won't blah blah blah this one. it's a love triangle that turns into an almost memento-like thriller. great, great film.

no acrylic bliss was had today. no canvas was sitting under a ray of light with sirens calling out my name.

instead, i went grocery shopping. this would, for most people, be a pretty straight forward affair, but i somehow turned spending thirty dollars on necessities into a four hour marathon.

no, i did not purchase all my items at seperate stores....just one store.

i had decided that there must be a closer supermarket than the one i have been bussing / walking to, so i did some internetational investigation. lo and behold, i was to have TWO whole foods supermarkets right in my neighborhood. i took note of directions, and headed out of the apartment at noon.

sidenote: the hills.....oh, the hills. my thighs hurt as i type this.

fast forward two hours. fast forward to me still within 0.2 miles of my place, still walking and searching.

there is no whole foods.

there are places and supermarkets to get some of the things i need, but i wanted whole foods.

and i was frustrated.

unfortunately, when i get frustrated, i do stupid things. today's stupid thing was that i suddenly snapped out of my determined walk, realizing that with every step i was saying out loud "wild goose chase".

as in:

"wild" step "goose" step "chase" step

repeat

repeat

repeat

i finally gave up, and even though i could feel a blister tearing the bottom of my left foot, i decided to walk to my regular grocery store instead of just taking a bus.

why?

i like to overwork my body so that when i finally do sit down, i just collapse.

i made sure to buy the essentials:

chocolate peanut butter

coffee

garlic hummus

and the most delicious multi purpose pita bread ever made.

multi purpose because it has, of late, been made as a morning treat grilled to perfection with natural peanut butter and a hint of chocolate chips.

i want to sell another fifty percent of my possessions for reasons that will hopefully become clear in the next few months. once i have a thought, it won't quit until i do it.....so all these plans in my head will come to fruition sooner than later, pretty much a fact.

insomnia theatre will present a night of mgm midnite movies....this was one of the best series of b-films ever released, and i bought every one. a big fuck you to sony for acquiring mgm and then ditching the series. this was something i looked forward to every year.

tomorrow....

acrylic bliss or die. fed ex better not fuck me on this.

prelude to acrylic bliss

let's just assume we're in an alternate reality.

if this was the case, i would be knee deep in new canvas frames, all ready for me to cover in nonsensical arrangements that somehow will be sold for large sums of money and/or bartered for the following: premium kona coffee (NOT kona blend...the real shit....the real real shit), records, jellybeans, and a little pabst for the lady.

i love walking around this city. I spend a good 3 hours a day taking mini trips to no certain destination in particular....it's more just being out in a sea of people, and having the satisfaction of knowing that not one of them knows my name or gives a shit what i do.

i like taking the bus, and giving my seat to an elderly woman who doesn't expect me to.

i like being extremely polite and well spoken when i go into any retail establishment, more to watch the expression on people's faces, as if you're the only one that hasn't talked to them like complete shit.

the FOX network execs should be dragged out into the street and shot dead for cancelling arrested development....it's disgusting how a show as brilliant as this got an axe. i consider it a true american show for this reason.....just like the living and breathing, it's always the smart but misunderstood ones that get left behind.

I find that bryan maclean's voice is one of the most soothing sounds i will ever hear, and both his releases of collected songs on sundazed will go down as lifetime ear candy of mine.

absolutely and simultaneously haunting and beautiful.

one month from today i fly back out to new hampshire, and two days later will begin recording "seance prime".

i'm not quite sure how to explain how excited i am for this. i'm in a band making music that is everything i've always wanted to do. Not many people get to say that...there are always things you want to accomplish but never get a chance to, and for the first time i am able to say that things feel right. This is not to say i still don't spend days at a time with my head in my hands and an overwhelming pain in my heart and back.

that's part of the harsh reality of living with a manic and bipolar personality. unless you take medication, the highs are most of the time outweighed by the lows. the only thing you can really do is deny the lows any leeway. this involves waking from two hours of sleep, and forcing yourself out of bed so that you don't stay there for days on end, which i will readily admit would be all to easy to do.

my stress pains lately have been oppressive, to put it mildly.

not much else to say about that.....it's nothing new. looking back, i've been playing this game with myself since about the age of five. it's weird....i have flashbacks to my younger years, and now knowing what i'm like, and the personality disorders i have, i remember certain times that foreshadowed what was to / has come.

i don't know if fed ex delivers on sundays, but if they do, i'll be need deep in acrylic bliss tomorrow.

if not.....sunday will be book day.....and "find a show" day. i spent a couple years hermitizing myself, and though i don't regret it, i'm elated to be dragging myself back into an environment that i leave with a million new ideas a night.

i'd like to find a good two dozen lost souls out here that want to create music with me, and i'd like to spend every waking moment making sounds and speaking in tongues that the majority of modern society will never understand.

i told someone important to me one time that most people have that one ability or legacy that they will carry with them throughout their pulsed existence.....i was born to fuck things up....and that's what i plan to do.

archives

written upon landing at logan airport april 9th, and wandering aimlessly in and out of coffee nooks in providence, rhode island the next morning:

There are two possible ways to prepare for a tour, no matter how big or how small.
There's the right way, which involves everything being taken care of well ahead of time. This would include, but not be limited to:
all shows being booked
all records pressed far in advance
all your shit being straight.
This is, by all means, the right way.
Then, of course, there is the other way. My way.
Take the list I have given above, and basically reverse all of them or put the words "don't have" at the beginning of each item.
My way, while not as efficient, is much more exciting. When everything is taken care of, you don't get that same feeling of panic and anxiety that I have christened as the "days before" syndrome.
I'd like to consider myself an authority on the "days before" syndrome being as there has not been one tour, whether it be six days or six weeks, that I have not become an insomniac leading up to.
It's quite impressive now that I think back on it.
Yeah, definitely an authority.
As a small back story that can be considered further documentation of how I like to make things more difficult, two months ago I packed up my belongings and moved four thousand miles away from my band.
Why?
Well, why not?
Isn't the feeling of execution a tad bit sweeter when you have to overcome a certain level of logistics?
Yeah.....I think so, too.
So, I live in Seattle, Washington. The rest of the members live in or around New Hampshire. I moved almost as far away as possible within the confines of these here states. Before flying back for this tour, I have spent the last three days, with the help of a friend, screenprinting 250 LP covers. I also made buttons with the image of a vicious, eight pound chihuahua who goes by the name "boris".
And, I've tried to book the shows that aren't booked. When you get in panic mode, as anyone who books a tour will tell you, you will take anything. Since the last show has still not been booked, I am offcially in panic mode and will be accepting the first offer made. This usually makes the person booking the tour feel better, but leaves the rest of the band with that sort-of "I hope you know what you're doing" expression on their collective faces.
Upon completeing the printing of said LP covers, I had to decide whether or not I trusted the united states postal service to deliver the items on time. I, being of the trust no one approach, came to the realization that in no way am I willing to rely on a delivery service to make sure things go according to plan. So, instead of packing clothes and numerous personal items for the stretch in the van I forfeited personal stimulants in favor of bringing the covers as my luggage. As I'm becoming more and more obsessed with minimalism, this seems to be something I knew I would do all along. My luggage consisted of paper, five pairs of both socks and underwear, and two shirts. I used my man-purse to carry on my laptop and a book, and that was it.
Quite impressive.
If only superficial self sacrifice in some way gave you better seats on a plane, I would have been more than well off. Instead, especially when you buy whatever random cheap tickets you can find, you end up nestled snug inbetween two bitter rocks from hell. In this case, those rocks were a repulsed older woman who might as well have been told her first born was murdered the moment I said to her, "I think this is my seat", and a couple so in love sitting next to me that felt it was thier duty to eat each others faces for the entire duration of the five hour flight, that my head seemed moist from the amount of saliva being leaked from the sides of each of thier mouths. There's not much worse than messy public-display-of-affection engineers.
You tend to be willing to eat whatever bagged snack they throw at you as if it was the very item your taste palate had been craving. Graham crackers? Hell yeah! Dry roasted peanuts? Of course! You lose every good judgement you have the moment free food and drink is offered. Repeatedly, I will get my diet carbonated beverage, poured delicately into a plastic glass filled to the brim with ice, and repeatedly I nurse my little beverage until the last half hour off the flight where it has become watered down and brutally cold. You can't throw away a full cup of liquid on a plane...it's, from what I've gathered, an unwritten moral rule as to not create a mess for those working. Instead, while the stewardess walks towards me in slow motion (for good measure, play the terminator 2 theme while picturing all of this) I down the waterlogged ice cold soda as to prove to her and my surrounding passengers that I, too, understand the plight of the working plane girl and would like nothing more than to make her every day duties proceed as smooth and without roadblockery as possible. In doing this, I have sacrificed a comfortable stomach and have given myself the worst fucking freeze brain imaginable. I feel like a stroke victim and fall back in my tiny uncushioned seat, prepared for my left eye to slowly burst out of the socket.
The plane lands, freezebrain slowly creeps out of my immediate area, and all is well in logan international airport at eleven forty-five pm.
Now, if I can just find some soy creamer and an open coffee shop.
We're talking about insomnia here.....why bother to stop drinking the magic potion just because it's nightfall? No matter what I do or don't do, I know i'm not falling asleep. Pretty much ever again.
So, coffee it is.

in the beginning, there was fuck-all

There's really no good way to start a conversation anymore. Not that the conversation won't be engaging, it's more the question of how to tell someone you're planning on doing everything the wrong way because you're convinced thirty years after you die it will be decided you've been right the whole time.
Living the head of a clusterfuck is not only a great deal of pointless work, but also a matter of unexplainable sacrifice and dedication. I mean, you REALLY have to want to do everything wrong just to make a dent in the "what are you doing with your life?" sweepstakes.
I've heard the expressions "big things" or "bigger things" placed on numerous, plentiful banners for as long as I can remember. Not to say it's directed towards myself (though, I have heard it on occassion....), but more on an underlying base that everything and everyone is dropped on with no real start or ending destination.
I don't know what it means, nor do I think I want to know. Imagine living a good full century waiting for your "big things" to happen, and on your dying day, some random bastard walks into your home, taps you on the shoulder and whispers into your wrinkled ear, "it happened when you were eight years old.....you won the second grade spelling bee."
Shit.
Are you kidding me? Second grade?
This, by the way, will not be happening to me because I never won a spelling bee, though I came close in the fifth grade until I studdered and added an extra "o" to the word neighbor, therefore terminating my as-yet ignited legacy.

As far as "big things" that are supposed to be milestones in your life, I have done my best to ruin them or avoid them early on. As this is being written, I sit in front of the keyboard as unemployed, divorced, unable to reproduce, bipolar and antisocial.
All before the age of thirty.
Let the good times roll.

I guess we can assume this is my "big thing".....my "what are you doing with your life?" for dummies. Shit, they've made them for everything else.

insomnianswers

dear failgiverous self....i had such high hopes for you, and then i went and all but abandoned you for two months....my bad.

maybe if i finally put up all the shit i've written in the last eight weeks, your ulcer will settle.
maybe?

in the meantime, here are the events, sounds, and visuals that have been my life'sblood.

Celluloid:
The Stratosphere Girl
Boyz n the Hood
Pollack
Blow-Up
Stoned

Distortion, Blips, Bleeps, Strumming, and uncomfortable noise:
Parts & Labor - stay afraid & live @chop suey, seattle
C.aarme - Vita
Bryan MacLean - Candy's Waltz
World Burns to Death - totalitarian sodomy
adult. - live @ chop suey, seattle
Rise and Fall - into oblivion
Sweet Cobra - 3 songs from new LP & live in chicago
CocoRosie- adventures of....
Triumph of lethargy skinned alive to death - live @ showbox, seattle
Motorhead - ace of spades deluxe edition
the horror - live @ lit lounge, nyc
Architect - all is not lost & live @ siren records, PA
Amy Winehouse - all
Born Dead Icons - all
and more...much more. Muisc has never played such a prevelant role in my life as it does at the moment and i plan to kep it that way.

General insomniawesomeness:
-spending time in a van, and playing music to new faces for the first time in 4 years.
-the maniac mansion in worcester, ma....blood, bodies, and broken bottles everywhere....the most perfect tour kickoff i could have ever asked for
-spending quality bro-down time in brooklyn with the one and only scuba, one of the most solid dudes i will ever have the pleasure of knowing
-ridiculous amounts of natural peanut butter on luna bars
-seeing an old friend in louisville that i wasn't sure i'd ever have the chance to see again....another steve, another amazing dude
-the new trash art motto sweepstakes
-atlas in bklyn....vegan crepes. fuck.
-coming back to furniture in the apartment
-smash coffins with black hair
-Critical Space by Greg Rucka
-vegan garden "chicken nuggets"
-mastering the art of the 5 ingredient peanut butter cookie
-coffee, soy creamer, and daily three to four hour walks around seattle. I love this city already.
i was born to be surrounded by bricks and concrete.
-"seance prime" lyrics